What it can look like day to day

Social anxiety in kids is not always obvious. Many children appear polite, quiet, or “easy,” yet spend a lot of energy scanning for social risks. You might notice shifts before, during, or after social situations that hint at hidden stress.

• Avoidance: refusing playdates, new groups, or speaking in class.
• Somatic complaints: tummy aches or headaches before school or parties.
• Clinginess or withdrawal: staying close to a trusted adult or hiding behind siblings.
• Perfectionism: melting down if an answer might be “wrong” or a game might be lost.
• Delayed responses: whispering, talking very softly, or freezing when attention lands on them.
• After-school dysregulation: holding it together in public, then big emotions at home.

When a child seems “shy,” ask what the situation demands of them and how safe it feels, not whether they are trying hard enough.

Why it is easy to miss

Kids with social anxiety often meet expectations and avoid drawing attention, which means adults may not see the effort it takes to cope. The fear is about judgment, embarrassment, or making a mistake, so they work hard to be invisible. This can look like compliance when it is actually high stress.

Ways adults can help

Name and normalize. Put words to the feeling and externalize it. “That worry voice is loud today. Let’s make a plan.”

Predict, plan, practice. Preview what will happen, agree on a small role, and rehearse. Micro-goals beat big leaps. For example, wave to one peer, then say hi next time.

Offer scaffolds. Choice cards, visual scripts, or a buddy can reduce uncertainty. Teachers can allow think time or accept nonverbal answers first.

Support regulation. Calming breaths, movement breaks, or fidgets before social demands help the body feel safe so the brain can speak up.

Use strengths. Let interests lead social moments. A child who loves drawing may share a sketchbook as an entry to conversation.

Therapy supports. Occupational therapists can build tolerance for social participation through graded exposure and self-regulation strategies. Speech-language pathologists can grow pragmatic language skills like initiating, joining, and exiting conversations. Collaboration with caregivers and teachers makes progress stick across settings.

Most important, celebrate tiny steps. Confidence grows when kids see themselves succeed in low-pressure, repeatable ways. Over time, those small wins add up to real comfort in being seen and heard.