Understanding Why Rigidity Shows Up
When a child seems to dig in their heels, refuses simple requests, or bolts from everyday tasks, it is often about perceived threat, not willfulness. For some kids, especially those with a PDA profile (Pathological Demand Avoidance), the feeling of being controlled can spark intense anxiety. Labels help us organize ideas, but the real change comes from reducing threat and restoring a sense of safety and autonomy.
Medical note: Sensory processing differences are common in autism and can impact daily participation (American Journal of Occupational Therapy).
What Helps Day to Day
- Lower the perceived demand: Invite rather than direct. Use choices, humor, and shared problem solving. Try, “How could we make teeth time work today?” instead of, “Brush your teeth now.”
- Preserve autonomy: Offer true opt-outs, flexible timing, and roles where the child leads. A small “yes” the child chooses beats a forced “no.”
- Collaborate on plans: Co-create visual plans that can be rearranged. Let the child move the pieces and control the timer or music.
- Co-regulate first: Soften voice, slow your pace, sit alongside. A calm nervous system learns better than a stressed one.
- Adjust the environment: Reduce sensory load, break tasks into tiny, doable starts, and embed movement or deep pressure if your child finds it soothing.
- Use indirect, playful language: Turn tasks into jobs for a character, a mission, or a helper role. Curiosity questions invite thinking instead of pushback.
- Celebrate recoveries: Notice when your child re-engages after saying no. Recovery time shrinking is real progress.
Connection first, safety second, task last. When a child feels safe and respected, flexibility grows.
When Resistance Spikes
In the heat of avoidance, step back. Reduce language, validate feelings, and offer a low-demand bridge activity like drawing, a snack, or quiet time. Replace “Why won’t you?” with “This feels hard. What would make it easier?” Revisit the task later with a fresh plan the child helps design.
Building Flexibility Over Time
Practice micro-flexibility in low-stakes moments: tiny changes to routines that the child approves. Teach interoception by naming body signals and pairing them with calming options. Keep expectations realistic and energy-aware. Progress looks like more negotiation, shorter recoveries, and growing willingness to try.
Above all, lead with respect. Kids who feel they have a say are more likely to say yes.